Expectations vs. Reality

Dating apps are quite literally like window shopping for a significant other. Only imagine that whatever you’re shopping for asks to see what’s under your clothes and gets mad when you do not oblige.

This is part of a little thing I like to call “unrealistic expectations” – along with things like expecting a response within 5 minutes, expecting you to want to meet them immediately, etc. Now, I know women also do this to men. But I have never tried to date a woman on a dating app so I can’t speak to that. I can, however, give a few examples of expectations that just don’t match up with reality that I’ve experienced lately.

Expectation: A compliment for a compliment.

Reality: No.

First of all, let me just tell you that this dude’s name on here was Love Bone. LOVE. BONE. Charming. But second of all – if you’re giving someone a compliment, it should be genuine and not because you’re expecting one back. It never even occurred to me that it was expected to give a compliment back as soon as I get one. That seems like a weird and very insincere practice. I’ll compliment you if I feel like it, and I don’t, because your name is Love Bone.

Expectation: Talk about sex first thing all day every day all the time.

Reality: Also no.

This text exchange looks like I’m being sassy right off the bat, and I am – but it’s because this same guy had messaged me 3 times before from different accounts asking if I like younger guys. (Also, yes I realize I spelled “truth” wrong, but whatever.) Maybe I set myself up for failure by even responding to the truth or dare question, but answering “truth” isn’t my consent to talk about anything sexual. Also in my profile where I say I’m not here for hookups – that should maybe give you some pause before you send something like this. Move along, cactus.

Expectation: Send pics on demand.

Reality: How bout NO. (Said in my best Dr. Evil voice. Yeah, I still reference Austin Powers movies – come at me, bro.)

Just so much to say about this one. You don’t need another pic of me besides the 5 I have on my profile if you haven’t even tried to get to know me. Also – I really don’t have a lot of selfies saved, that wasn’t a lie. The ones I have saved are probably on my profile. The other big, obvious point here – do you REALLY think if I was a catfish, I’d choose to impersonate a single mom who loves to eat? Are you out of your goddamn mind? I mean, I’m not a bad catch, but I would choose to be someone way more interesting like a 5’11 bikini model who is also a super smart scientist. Come on man. Common sense.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Nicole, you’re way too sassy and hard on these guys. No wonder you’re single.” To that I say – maybe I am. Maybe I am a lot to handle. But I have just enough hopeless romantic in me to believe that whoever my soulmate is, he can handle it, and even thinks I am funny when I am insulting. It’s just too bad that he is currently lost in a jungle somewhere and unable to find me.