Dating apps are quite literally like window shopping for a significant other. Only imagine that whatever you’re shopping for asks to see what’s under your clothes and gets mad when you do not oblige.
This is part of a little thing I like to call “unrealistic expectations” – along with things like expecting a response within 5 minutes, expecting you to want to meet them immediately, etc. Now, I know women also do this to men. But I have never tried to date a woman on a dating app so I can’t speak to that. I can, however, give a few examples of expectations that just don’t match up with reality that I’ve experienced lately.
First of all, let me just tell you that this dude’s name on here was Love Bone. LOVE. BONE. Charming. But second of all – if you’re giving someone a compliment, it should be genuine and not because you’re expecting one back. It never even occurred to me that it was expected to give a compliment back as soon as I get one. That seems like a weird and very insincere practice. I’ll compliment you if I feel like it, and I don’t, because your name is Love Bone.
Reality: Also no.
This text exchange looks like I’m being sassy right off the bat, and I am – but it’s because this same guy had messaged me 3 times before from different accounts asking if I like younger guys. (Also, yes I realize I spelled “truth” wrong, but whatever.) Maybe I set myself up for failure by even responding to the truth or dare question, but answering “truth” isn’t my consent to talk about anything sexual. Also in my profile where I say I’m not here for hookups – that should maybe give you some pause before you send something like this. Move along, cactus.
Reality: How bout NO. (Said in my best Dr. Evil voice. Yeah, I still reference Austin Powers movies – come at me, bro.)
Just so much to say about this one. You don’t need another pic of me besides the 5 I have on my profile if you haven’t even tried to get to know me. Also – I really don’t have a lot of selfies saved, that wasn’t a lie. The ones I have saved are probably on my profile. The other big, obvious point here – do you REALLY think if I was a catfish, I’d choose to impersonate a single mom who loves to eat? Are you out of your goddamn mind? I mean, I’m not a bad catch, but I would choose to be someone way more interesting like a 5’11 bikini model who is also a super smart scientist. Come on man. Common sense.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Nicole, you’re way too sassy and hard on these guys. No wonder you’re single.” To that I say – maybe I am. Maybe I am a lot to handle. But I have just enough hopeless romantic in me to believe that whoever my soulmate is, he can handle it, and even thinks I am funny when I am insulting. It’s just too bad that he is currently lost in a jungle somewhere and unable to find me.