7

“Why did you and my dad break up?”

The question that makes every single mom freeze and think: shit

Well, maybe not every single mom. Maybe you’re a mom who is more than happy to tell your kid the story of your divorce/break up. If that’s you, high five! You’re great and you may stop reading now. Enjoy your perfect life, you unicorn mom.

But if you’re like me, this question brings up a million answers – but almost none that are appropriate for/would make sense to a child. My daughter asked this at 6, and I thought I had at least another few years before I had to craft an answer to this. I’m almost positive my face looked like this emoji  😳 when she asked. I managed to put together a “well, sometimes grown ups just don’t want to be married anymore.” Which of course did not satisfy the 6 year old brain. “Why?” “We just weren’t happy being married anymore.” “Why?” “BECAUSE, THATS WHY NOW STOP ASKING.” Just kidding, I didn’t say that last part (although I really, really wanted to). I told that we weren’t happy being married and we wanted her to have two happy parents. That seemed to satisfy her for now – but what do I say when she’s older and that no longer cuts it? I know the time will come. I may be biased, but my daughter is a goddamn genius. She knows there’s a story, her evil genius brain has just decided to leave me alone about it at this point in time. But what do you tell your child? I don’t want to tell her the bad parts. What happened in my divorce has nothing to do with either of us as parents. It’s not my job to make her dad look bad. But I also don’t want her to think that the divorce was a casual thing that can be fixed eventually. She sometimes mentions me marrying her dad, and even called us “lovebirds” one night when I picked her up from him. This blog is not for calling anyone out or rehashing things that don’t need to be rehashed, but suffice it to say that the divorce is final. Period. We get along just fine as of right now, but it’s still uncomfortable for me when she tries to put us together. Where’s the boundary between telling too much and not telling enough? I don’t want her to have relationship issues, and I don’t want to exist in a constant Parent Trap. Why the hell isn’t there a how to book for this?

I don’t know. If you were hoping this would end with some advice – sorry to disappoint you. I have no idea what I’m doing. I just wanted to reach across the cosmic void and let other moms out there know that you’re not alone in trying to figure this shit out. I’m just hoping I figure it out before I screw up my kid too badly (a little is okay – gives a girl character).

5

Two basic rules for messaging me on a dating app.

Rule #1: Read my profile. I spent time on it, and there’s some good stuff in there. Also useful info in there – like the fact that I’m a mom, and the fact that I love Ben Stiller.
Rule #2: Don’t message me if you’ve talked to or dated one of my sisters. They are usually in one of my dating app pics so it shouldn’t be hard to follow this rule.

These seem simple enough. I’m not a demanding girl. I don’t have height requirements, or anything like that. But men even seem to have trouble with just these two things, which I would think are common courtesy/common sense. For example, I got a message from this dude. For the sake of anonymity, we will call him HP. The message just said “hi”, but his picture looked familiar so I went to his profile. My sister dated HP a few years ago. I met him I believe more than once. And this dude messaged me. I rolled my eyes about that, and then I rolled my eyes even harder when I saw this part of his profile:


Well, kiddo, guess what. I DO have a kid. Which you should know number one from meeting me, and number two FROM MY PROFILE. So because he turned out to be an even bigger d-bag than I already thought, I decided to message him back.

Thanks for that condescending remark, HP! I’m sure I’ll find SOMEONE. I blocked him before he could respond to my last message. If he said something mean about my sister I would have to show up at his job and say some really mean things and like I’ve already said – I want you to think of me as a proper lady. I don’t want to have to point out all the douchey stuff he said and did when my sister didn’t want to date him anymore (“I almost loved you”).

Believe it or not, this is not the first time someone has messaged me that has talked to or dated a sister. I don’t know if it’s that they’re too lazy to look at all my pics (which they shouldn’t be – I pick them because they’re good pics, dammit) or if it’s that they think maybe I won’t care? Surprisingly enough, I do care. My sisters are beautiful, smart, wonderful women – and if they found something wrong with you, I probably hate you because I’m the most critical of the 3. This may be one of my flaws, but you probably deserve it. Also, you are probably a disgusting man if you think we’d be okay with sharing men. What would your mother think?? Give me her number, I’ll call her and tell her. I’ll tell your grandma, too. DISHONOR ON YOUR FAMILY.

1

Let me sum it up for you.

Dating as a single mom sucks.

Well, dating in general sucks. But it’s worse as a single mom. Let me show you in a single picture just how much it sucks:

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I won’t post my strongly worded response, because I don’t want you to think of me as anything less than a proper lady, but this is the reality. Unibrowed children making rude comments on the internet.

“Why do online dating then? You’re setting yourself up for things like this.” Well, let me tell you, whoever you are. Because what else am I supposed to do? On top of working two jobs, I also have my kid almost all of the time. My free time is limited to a couple of hours on a couple of week days, except for probably once a month when my daughter stays a weekend with her grandparents. Not that I am complaining about this – I love having my daughter that often. Well, apart from those times when she won’t get off me and won’t eat her food and DEAR GOD IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO ONE MORE MINECRAFT STORY…..but those are not frequent times, thankfully. This really doesn’t leave me with a whole lot of time for activities where I would meet single men, unless my kid ends up with a hot teacher one year (fingers crossed, honestly). I always said I would never do online dating, but here I am. I currently have two dating apps downloaded on my phone. I’ve been on them on and off for probably almost a year now and clearly haven’t had any success. Some people seem to really have success on these – I know a couple who met on one and just recently got married and are expecting a baby. I think that’s why I keep trying them. I’m holding out hope that I too can somehow sift through the worst humans on Earth and find a decent one. And while I don’t need a man in my life (my dad and stepdad do all the man stuff for me), life does get lonely sometimes. I am extremely allergic to cats so being a cat lady just isn’t an option for me. So here we are.

Will I find a husband on a dating app? Maybe. Will I post all the ridiculous things I encounter in the mean time? Absolutely.