Since I have decided to stop the dating apps (for now – ask me again in about a week when I feel lonely again), I figured I would entertain you with a story about the most awkward first date I’ve had from a dating app.
I met this guy on Bumble – I honestly can’t remember his name, so we’ll call him the photographer. The photographer seemed nice enough. He also had a kid, and seemed to be fairly involved with her. I had only met one guy from a dating app before this guy, and he hadn’t met anyone at all before. We bonded over our inexperience with dating apps, and talked for a couple weeks before meeting was mentioned.
On a night I happened to not have my daughter, he texted me wanting to meet. He told me that his friend had just gotten back from Africa and was having a get together at his house for friends and family to tell all his Africa stories. He invited me to stop by. He acknowledged that it was a weird way to meet someone, but he also knew sometimes people feel more comfortable meeting for the first time with other people around.
Now, maybe this was naive of me, but because this guy had previously sent me a bible verse, I assumed he meant his friend was on a mission trip to Africa. Like…a church thing. So I assumed this would be a safe outing. I figured at the very worst, there would be enough people there that I could sneak out unnoticed if it went bad.
I was wrong on both accounts.
My first red flag should have been that the street the house was on was dark and empty. Definitely not as many cars as there should have been for the get together he described – in fact, only 2 in the driveway. I thought it was strange but the street was really dark so I figured I just missed seeing more cars or something. I texted the photographer that I was there, and he came out to get me. The smell of alcohol on him hit me before he was very close. I’m not opposed to drinking – but not what I was expecting the night to be like. I brushed it off and ended up in an awkward half-handshake/half-hug greeting.
He told me everyone already left. I’m not sure why, since it wasn’t late (maybe 630 or 7), but it did make me a little uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable enough to leave, of course, because I’m apparently an easy target for a date rape. We walked into the house, and it was empty except for two kids and a very drunk man. The very drunk man turned out to be his friend (who owned the house we were in), and the kids turned out to belong to him. The photographer offered me pizza and a beer, and we went in the backyard to eat – with one of the kids, a girl who was probably around 5 or 6. Instead of the get-to-know-you small talk that first dates usually consist of, we were treated to songs from the little girl and stories about the stuffed animals she brought out to us. Part way through this, who should call me but my daughter. She persistently asked where I was and who I was with when I tried to brush her off with “I’m at a friend’s house”. I haven’t spoken to my daughter about me dating, really. Not since my ex (not her dad) moved out of our house and it was a really big deal. Plus she was at her dad’s, which makes it even more awkward to say something about being on a date. But I can’t not answer her call – even if it was a pointless call about what she did on Minecraft today. During the phone call I was blushing so bad from being uncomfortable that I was literally sweating. It was definitely a “did I put on deodorant today”/try to smell your underarms discreetly moment.
Before too long, the little girl dragged us inside to watch her do a dance. This was by far the most awkward part, because her dad had put on sunglasses while he laid on the couch so it looked like he was watching her when he was really passing out. Like a really sad version of Weekend at Bernies. At this point my mom side is coming out and I’m encouraging this strange little girl to keep putting on her show because I feel so bad. The photographer seems completely comfortable this whole time. He doesn’t seem embarrassed that his friend is being a douchey drunk dad. In fact, he tried to get the little girl to wrap up her show a little faster which made me a little mad. Let her perform! She has to practice for when she’s older and becomes a stripper from her daddy issues!
After the dance, we went back to the backyard to play ping pong with the kids. Douchey drunk dad stayed inside, passed out on the couch. During the game we attempted to do the first date small talk, and I got enough information to gather that he doesn’t pay child support for his kid or see her super regularly (red flag #384). However, our chat was interrupted by one of the kids getting on the ping pong table and refusing to get off. For some reason, the photographer felt comfortable enough to be stern with these kids. I just stood there awkwardly, wondering if it was late enough to say I needed to go pick up my daughter. He told the kids to go to bed, at which point their dad actually got up and enforced this. I think I hugged both of the kids goodnight, because they just seemed like they needed some love. I just can’t turn off the mom instincts.
After the kids went to bed, I said I had to go. He apologized that it was a little awkward, and seemed like he wanted to kiss me but I shut that shit down. If you make me a babysitter of two kids and two drunk men on a date, you don’t get a kiss. You get a middle finger as I pull out of the driveway.
I ended up telling the photographer that I just didn’t feel a connection and wasn’t interested in getting together again. I guess that’s a little nicer than saying “you made me feel more awkward than I’ve ever felt in my entire life, please avoid this mistake with the next girl you meet”.